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May 14, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

 Things I'm Afraid To Tell You - via Creature Comforts


I haven't been blogging long but I have been reading blogs for a long time and it's hard not to get jealous and ungrateful when you read about everyone's perfect lives every time you open Google Reader. It's hard not to wish you had more money, a better body, better clothes, better cooking skills, etc. It happens to me a lot when I read blogs. When I heard about the "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" at Meg's BLOG, BIZ, + BUZZ event last week, I thought it would be a great post to participate in because my life is not perfect. It's messy and decidedly imperfect. The blogs that I enjoy the most are the blogs that are real and honest so I figured I should be real and honest on my own blog. So without further ado, here are my things I'm afraid to tell you: 

1. Teaching has made me cynical. Working with kids is grueling. This school year has been particularly hard and it has made me question why I work in this profession multiple times. Because I teach what is known as an "encore" class, my department teaches every student in the school and I've been given the hardest students in the school. I've gotten cynical about the nature of children and parenting. I think it is entirely possible that an 11 year old is just simply not a good person.Teaching is supposed to be a rewarding career but on most days I feel anything but rewarded. I hope this changes next school year but I'm not confident it will. 

2. I think marriage is really hard work. With our one year anniversary coming up, the one thing I have learned is that marriage is really hard work. I've heard people say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I've heard people say it's the easiest. I definitely agree with the former. It has been a lovely, beautiful year but it has also been incredibly tough. I would say this past year has been the hardest in our entire relationship. This shit just ain't easy but I'm glad I learned that now instead of ten years down the road. 

3. Motherhood terrifies me. I'm terrified of becoming a mom. It probably has something to do with number one and reading, "We Need to Talk about Kevin" but it completely terrifies me. Right now, I can't entertain the thought of giving all of my free time to a little human. Sometimes I resent that I have to take my dog for a walk, how will I ever not be resentful of having to spend a Saturday morning at a soccer game instead of lounging in bed? I'm also just worried I'll be a crap mother.

4. I can't keep my 900 sq. foot apartment clean. I can't. I don't know why, it's not even big! How do people keep 3 bedroom houses clean? Something in my house is always messy. Always. There's either dishes in the sink or laundry still in the washer.

5. I teach Health and Physical Education but I'm not always the best role model. I don't work out as often as I should. I have a candy drawer in my office. We have "Chipotle Sunday" in this house during which I house a Burrito Bol every Sunday. I eat Reese's minis on a fairly regular basis. Then, I go to work and tell my students to eat vegetables and get 60 minutes of physical activity everyday.


Phew. It feels good to put all that on paper. I feel lighter, somehow. If you feel like sharing things you're afraid to share, which I encourage you to do, join me all the other bloggers participating:

Cassie: Coco + Kelley / Christine: Court & Hudson / Caitlin: Sacramento Street / Roxy: My Cup of Te / Crystal: Blog / Meg: MIMI+MEG / Ashlina: The Decorista / Katie: Modern Eve / Erin: Apartment 34 / Erica: Design Blahg / Victoria: Vmac & Cheese / Christine: Miles to Style / Franki: Life in a Venti Cup  / Sue: The Zhush / Erika: Radiant Republic / Gabrielle: Savvy Home / Monika: The Doctor's Closet / Naomi: Design Manifest /Tobe: Because It's Awesome / Becca: {extra}ordinary wonders / Lynzy: Sparkling Footsteps / Hitha: Hitha On The Go / Sarah: Note To Self / Liz: So Much To Smile About / Sarah: Blogstar / Alissa: The Goods Design / Jessie: Style & Pepper / Erika: Small Shop Studio  / AV: Long Distance Loving / Maggie: Maggie Rose Blog / Nicole: The City Girl In Me  / Jen: Concrete Jungle DC / Janelle: Food Fashion Fitness / Natalie: East Coast Chic

And a BIG thanks to these ladies for getting the ball rolling on the movement:






9 comments:

  1. I taught middle school for a few years, most of them in low income areas. When people say "You are doing something good, changing the world." It was hard not to laugh. The few hours you spent with a kid during the day is nothing compared to what they so home to. There were a few kids that I could not stand. Just mean. A few are now in jail. However, hopefully I did change and help a few of them!

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  2. I'm also worried about motherhood, and can't keep our apartment clean either!

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  3. I think a lot of people can relate to this. I think about having children all the time but it sure does scare the hell out of me. My fiance and I will be getting married in October and I have heard the first year is always the most grueling- I am so excited to get married but also scared for what it will bring!

    xx Lynzy

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  4. my entire family was in education (including me..a brief stint as a spanish teacher k-5) and it's no wonder you're cynical. it's a difficult field. i always admire teachers because i know how hard they work and the challenges they face. but i get the cynical..that's why i left.

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  5. You cynical kid hater- haha! Just kidding, I don't know how you teach I can't even imagine having the patience for it!

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  6. I've been loving reading these and I can SO relate to you especially on 2, 3, 4. You said it perfectly. :)

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  7. Love this- it always is nice to see people keepin' it real. I have tons of girlfriends that feel the same way about teaching-especially older kids. Sadly, some have the mouths of adults and but are bubble wrapped like babies so you cant so anything about it. Great concept for a group post. Let me know the next time you do one- I would love to join!
    Katie
    Athomewhenimwithyou.blogspot.com

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  8. Wow, love your list!! I'm a teacher too, and can SO relate!

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  9. Just realize at the same time that we all have the same fears. And i agree with you about the thought of being a parent. I think the reason rational, thinking people are afraid of being a parent is because there is so much things that could go wrong, it kind of crazy. Equally, no one wants to fail at something that has so much meaning.

    With that said, stop being so hard on yourself!

    Michael

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